Live-Blogging the "Golden Globes"

Quotes used very advisedly. I don't think anyone really knows what to expect from this year's "press conference" from the HFPA, though I have heard disturbing rumors about the involvement of Ryan Seacrest. Is that true?? When I say that I am geared for the worst, what you should hear is: I can reach the bottle of Scotch from where I am sitting.

Let me say right out front, even as an awards junkie, that I am totally fine with the cancellation of this year's show. Though I realize lots of other wage-earning caterers and valets and designers and Who Knows What Else have been severely impacted by the axing of the telecast, I am fully sympathetic to the fact that the Writers Guild won't be taken seriously if the collateral damage of the strike isn't serious, and the demise of the Globes ceremony sure seems to have upped the ante on public perceptions of the WGA's conviction.

I know lots of people feel that this cancels a major, annual showcase for what the WGA does—enabling good feature films and TV series, by writing good scripts that deserve recognition. Still, as sad as I am to miss the chance to see what Tilda Swinton wears to a shindig like this (she arrived in '01, as a nominee for The Deep End, looking like a cross between Susan Sarandon in The Hunger and David Bowie, also in The Hunger), I say PAY ALL THE WRITERS, and THEN worry about recognizing the best of them with trophies.

This sentiment, by the way, has been brought to you by a website that has never negotiated a labor dispute or analyzed a Hollywood balance sheet; I hope you are duly reverent of my credentials for passing judgment.

But some things, I do know (a little bit) about. Like who deserves to win these Globes. And what the victories and losses might mean for Oscar chances. And when I am watching a dunderheaded, glued-together NBC telecast staffed entirely by people who know just as little about what makes a movie truly good as I know about guild negotiations... which is exactly what I expect to be doing as of 8pm CST. And since I haven't live-blogged anything for a while, and since I haven't commented at all about the Globes nominations since the day they were announced, I thought I'd work a real-time situation. Is anybody listening? Comment away...

7:30pm Well, check this sh*t out! NBC is already pimping pumping up the Globes telecast by talking to some of the nominees. And here's Nikki Blonsky, of Hairspray. It's hard not to feel bad for actors like Blonsky, whom it's hard to imagine ever being nominated for a Golden Globe ever again (or, for that matter, an Oscar, even this year). But then: I just saw Martha Stewart put a diamond collar on Blonsky's dog. Which maybe wouldn't sit well with me if I had written Hairspray (shout-out to Leslie Dixon!) and I wasn't getting paid any DVD residuals, while Nikki's dog Rocky is rocking the ice. Or maybe those were rhinestones? Either way. As Lady Macbeth said, Un-jewel that dog.

Though it is quite fetching to watch home-video footage of The Blonskys reacting to their daughter/sister's underdog nomination. Rocky's reaction is unrecorded, but Nikki upended her own coffee table. I'm happy for her. She's great in the movie.

7:38pm Here's Ellen Page, a dynamo in Juno. Deserving of all the acclaim, which I personally wasn't ready to say after Hard Candy. (Hey, NBC just said "dynamo," too! Do I have a blurb-whore career that I'm not even exploiting?) Not loving the Ellen Page makeup, but I love the talent. And I love that she's already smarter than the woman interviewing her ("Pregnancy... for many adults, their worst nightmare!") ("Juno isn't just entertaining, it's also [pause] thought-provoking.") I'm watching this interviewer fall asleep. But it's worse when she wakes up, because she starts comparing Ellen Page to Audrey Hepburn. Which Ellen Page is smart enough to call an insane comment.

7:51pm "Sally Field... turned those nautical winds [of Gidget] into headwinds, as her career took off!" Matt Lauer is a wordsmith. Oh, I forgot: the actual writers are on strike.

7:54pm Whereas Sally Field just deconstructed the word "g*ddamn." She's pretty articulate, without trying to prove how dirty and cool and un-Gidget she is, like she did way back when on Inside the Actor's Studio. Oh, and here we go. I guess we had to go over the whole "You like me" thing. Leave Sally alone! How tired must she be of this question? Maybe I just get cranky because it reminds me that Sally Field won an Oscar for Places in the G*ddamn Heart.

8:01pm Here we go!

8:01:05pm Tom Hanks already has four Golden Globes?? I'm already depressed.

8:02pm Replaying last year's opening montage. Shock cut to: empty pavement where a Red Carpet should be! And worse: Billy Bush! And Nancy O'Dell!!! GGGGAH!!! Wouldn't you rather look at bare pavement?

8:04pm BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOVIE
Will Win: Cate Blanchett, for I'm Not There, and for being a big star giving an impish, alive performance that still fits the heady style of the piece
Should Win: Tilda Swinton, for Michael Clayton, for redeeming a shit role into a barely equalled portrait of female masquerade, corporate terror, and moral crisis that's starting to recognize itself as such. Watching Swinton is like reading a good thriller, going to an acting class, and reading Joan Rivière all at the same time.
Actual Winner: Cate Blanchett. I'm officially on a roll!

8:04pm BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A TV ANYTHING The winner is Jeremy Piven for Entourage.

8:06pm BEST ACTRESS IN A TV DRAMA Anyone who just heard Patricia Arquette scream "Ten minutes!" should know why she shouldn't win. Ooh, Glenn Close is fierce! Holly Hunter is acting in an actual wind-tunnel. Winner: Glenn Close.

8:10pm BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV ANYTHING I love Rachel Griffiths. She's so funny and smart. I don't get Katherine Heigl. Samantha Morton is looking great and spooky in Longford. Winner: Samantha! OK, I'm officially sad to miss a speech. And an outfit. This girl has come to the Oscars in a T-shirt AND in some kind of armor-plated situation. We all lost just then. Except Samantha.

8:12pm BUT WAIT! That all happened so fast that I didn't even have a chance to EVOKE the HORROR of listening to BILLY BUSH and NANCY O'DELL discuss their feelings about each winner. Billy thinks Amy Ryan shouldn't have lost: "A 20-year career, a storied actress, two Tony nominations... whereas Cate Blanchett? At the end of the day, it's a woman playing a man." He also called Damages a "great movie." I can't even deal with tactlessness of the presenters of awards discussing whether the winners represent good or bad news. But I can say: BILLY BUSH DOESN'T KNOW A SINGLE THING ABOUT ANYTHING.

8:14pm BEST ACTOR IN A TV DRAMA This thing moves frigging fast! Jon Hamm in Mad Men. What is Mad Men? Nancy O'Dell is surprised. Billy Bush: "Imagine a man named Hamm being an actor!" Again: STRIKING WRITERS.

8:17pm BEST ANIMATED FEATURE Ratatouille. But they couldn't help showing the Access: Hollywood punchline from The Simpsons Movie. Billy Bush, by the way, has seen Ratatouille several times with his kids. Don't you wish all presenters said these things?

8:19pm BEST ACTRESS IN A MUSICAL/COMEDY
Will Win: Marion Cotillard, though she'll get a tough race out of Ellen Page
Should Win: I admit I'm biased toward Cotillard, because on two visits, her performance still impresses the hell out of me, not just technically but emotionally; those gestures aren't just imitative, they're enormously expressive, and complicatedly so
[Clips advertise how bad Patrick Dempsey is in Enchanted, and how bad Helena Bonham Carter is at singing. Double ouch.]
Actual Winner: MARION!! Yay. Billy: "You know, this was a tough one! And I need a haircut!" Nancy is pulling for Ellen Page.

8:21pm I have just realized how crucial writers are to live-blogging. Without all that inane patter padding out the shows, there's no time for my own craptastic would-be wit.

8:22pm An ad for that Ryan Reynolds movie. "For Will Hayes, love has been a catastrophe..." For me personally, Ryan Reynolds has been a catastrophe.

8:26pm BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOVIE
Will Win: Javier Bardem, for turning himself into such an implacable force in No Country for Old Men
Should Win: Kinda nobody, because my favorite performance is Casey Affleck's in ...Jesse James, but it's so obviously the lead
[No clips, even though the ladies got 'em]
Actual Winner: Javier Bardem... who Nancy O'Dell claims used to be a stripper?? Among MANY OTHER QUESTIONS I just generated from this news... do you think he knows Diablo Cody?

8:27pm Billy Bush is proud of the Coen Brothers for grossing $45 million for a movie "even though they're so boutique." Dave Karger reassures us that even if we don't know who Marion Cotillard is, she is beautiful. Imagine, for a moment, beautiful Marion.

8:28pm BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MOVIE/MINISERIES Queen Latifah. But Nancy's mad that Debra Messing lost. Again, tact is ruling the day. Queen Latifah might be the nicest person alive, but wouldn't you love to see her pop Nancy?

8:29pm I AM ALREADY EXHAUSTED! I AM ALREADY STRESSED OUT! Telecasts shouldn't be like this. It's even worse because of the musical background: NBC keeps underlining everything with the sound of industrial mills grinding each other to bits.

8:33pm BEST ACTOR IN A TV COMEDY I haven't seen any of these shows except The Office, but I find myself rooting for Alec Baldwin. And against David Duchovny, because why would any show call itself Californication? Then again, I do have a soft spot for Lee Pace, because of Soldier's Girl. It'll prolly be Lee. Winner: David Duchovny? It doesn't count when I get one wrong if it's TV, cuz I don't even try to know.

8:35pm Billy Bush on Californication: "I wouldn't say it's a comedy? It's just... cool."

8:35pm BEST TV COMEDY Extras. Nothing to say, y'all. I'm flagging. Keep me alive! Pass me an orange slice!

8:37pm BEST ACTRESS IN A TV COMEDY Samantha Who? is exactly how I feel about Samantha Who?, even though I think Christina Applegate is a pretty genius comedienne. And I do have a crush on Tina Fey, even if that clip didn't totally work out for me. Anna Friel! I remember when she was going to be "it" in 1999, and then nothing happened. Yes, I just learned that she is on Pushing Daisies. Mary-Louise Parker sounds way less nasal than usual. Winner: Tina Fey, yay yay yay, especially because she's a big ol' picketing Guild supporter.

8:39pm Dave Karger: "Duchovny is the only guy who showed his butt in the show. I think that gave him the edge." Do I love this comment, because DK gets how stupid this all is? Or do I hate this comment, because it's part of how stupid this all is? And surely this won't mean that Tom Hanks has any chance to win. (If you haven't seen Charlie Wilson's War, do the math, and steel yourself.)

8:42pm Celebrity Apprentice: it's what's on in hell.

8:43pm BEST DIRECTOR
Will Win: The Coen Brothers for No Country for Old Men, and good on 'em, at least since they've never been to this podium before
Should Win: I'm about equally split on the Coens and Julian Schnabel, since they all leant considerable craft and stylistic panache to stories that were much less resonant than they might have been, with even wiser, deeper direction
Actual Winner: Julian Schnabel! No sh*t! That Oscar slot is looking guar-ohn-teed. Billy Bush doesn't even have a dumb comment to share here.

I did just remember that no telecast means no 3-hour tribute to Steven Spielberg. That warmed my heart a little.

8:45pm BEST ACTOR IN A MUSICAL/COMEDY
Will Win: Johnny Depp, for being everybody's favorite actor
Should Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman, for gorgeously underplaying and generously, tenderly sharing The Savages
Actual Winner: Johnny Depp. "Johnny's the man. He invented his character on Pirates of the Caribbean." I'm'a let you figure out who said that.

8:47pm BEST PICTURE (MUSICAL/COMEDY)
Will Win: Juno, I'm going to guess, though I know the HFPA does love their musicals
Should Win: I'm firmly in the Juno camp: smart and genuinely revelatory, since it doesn't wind up where it starts, and it goes where few movies go, and it's funny, and gorgeously acted
[Don't you just feel better every time you see a clip of Hairspray? And worse every time you see a clip of Across the Universe?]
Actual Winner: Sweeney Todd. Yeah, I felt nervous about that one.

8:49pm Nancy O'Dell: "The big one, Best Picture (Drama), coming up next!" They also said that 8:11. Also, by the way, it would seem that the telecast will not be including the Foreign Film or Score or Song or Screenplay awards. Or do you think they're going to pack seven categories into the last nine minutes? And to leave out the Screenplay category?? I WONDER WHY THEY DID THAT.

8:51pm Beyoncé: "I'm not infallible, but my lip color is." Nope, it's really the other way around.

8:52pm For the record, I'm guessing that the Juno script, the score from Atonement, the song from "Into the Wild," and Diving Bell were going to win those untelevised awards.

8:54pm BEST TV DRAMA Can someone tell me whether I really need to rent Big Love or Damages? And whether the last really is more than reviving "Look What a Bitch She Is!" misogyny? Cuz the clips always scare me a little. GGAH!! Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Definitely one of my enemies. Winner: Mad Men. The Globes are flicking off the networks.

8:55pm BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Will Win: Julie Christie, who may as well clear up three spots on her mantel now: Globe, SAG, Oscar
Should Win: Angelina Jolie. Call me crazy, but she has an even tougher, subtler, more deceptively intricate job in A Mighty Heart. And look, here's a clip of her in a pool, in a see-through dress. How impressive, NBC.
[Keira Knightley is just so... blah in Atonement. Even in 10-second bits.]
Actual Winner: Julie Christie. Stifle your astonishment.

8:57pm BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis is probably untouchable
Should Win: And he probably should be, at least in this field. (Hint: I thought at least one actor was better in '07!) Viggo and George will have to console each other. I would love to be there for that.
[Way to go, clip-choosers, for seizing on George's best scene and Daniel's best scene. Even if you then opted for one of James McAvoy's worst. I guess you can't win 'em all. Viggo's performance hasn't aged as well as I thought it would with me, unfortunately. And Denzel's never even got started with me.]
Actual Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis. And here's Billy Bush's trenchant response: "He is an actor's actor!" I wonder what Billy thinks he is? Surely not a journalist's journalist? Or a stooge's stooge? Who is Billy's constituent base?

8:59pm BEST PICTURE (DRAMA)
Will Win: No Country for Old Men, if the HFPA doesn't go all pro-gewgaw and pick Atonement
Should Win: There Will Be Blood. Not a perfect movie, but by far the most ambitious of these seven, and by far the most willing to put every facet of filmmaking craft in the service of its story and its vision.
Actual Winner: The Great Debaters! Just kidding. Atonement.

9:01pm GGGGAH!!! American Gladiators! Shutting the TV off, and clicking over to IMDb to learn that No Country got Screenplay, "Guaranteed" from Into the Wild got Song, Atonement got Score, and Diving Bell got Foreign-Language Film. So: I screwed up on Best Picture (Drama), Best Picture (Musical/Comedy), Best Director, and Best Screenplay, but I got everything else right on the movie side. Another way to say that: I goofed on the four awards that you would most want to win if you were a movie, but I represented elsewhere.

Best Dressed: George Clooney. Seriously, PROVE ME WRONG.

Thanks for reading, and for leaving so many comments. I'm eager to go read them!

SAG Diary

Woulda live-blogged, but my broadband cord doesn't reach.

8:01 Why do I love S. Epatha Merkerson so much? Happily, she makes up for Patricia Heaton.

8:02 People can say what they want about Thandie Newton's acting, but is there any real argument about how gorgeous she is?

8:03 Also sssssssmoking tonight: Patrick Dempsey (duh), and Catherine Keener

8:04 I'm so done with hearing the whole Crash trope about "people who reside in the same city but only touch accidentally"; if Match Point hadn't rolled up with that unbearable and relentless tennis metaphor, it would easily be the most overdone conceit of the year.

8:05 Where is Nina Garcia when you need her to trim the ribbon off the front of Eva Longoria's otherwise lovely dress?

8:06 ACTRESS (TV - DRAMA) Doesn't Patricia Arquette always look like she's about to retract her head back into her shell? Prediction: Oh; Win: Oh, who can't walk in her shoes but looks real purty. And I'm always about the group shout-outs, even if none will ever be as good as Camryn Manheim's "This one's for the fat girls!"

8:09 Is Ted Danson blushing about Felicity Huffman's joke about wanting to flirt with him? I mean, look at that shit-eating grin. I feel so sad for him.

8:11 ACTOR (TV - DRAMA) Prediction: Laurie; Win: Sutherland, who not only remains preternaturally handsome from year to year, but is always beautifully dressed and always exceptionally gracious in his speeches. Seriously, did anyone watching Flatliners or The Lost Boys see this dapper re-incarnation anywhere on the horizon?

8:15 For months, Cinderella Man has been evincing the single most desperate save-this-flop ad campaign I've ever seen. Now, on this ad for Cinderella Man on ComCast pay-per-view, they actually exhort you to "Rent the movie today, and pause or fast-forward during all your favorite knockout scenes!" Wtf? What if I want to pause at the moment when Renée Zellweger opens her eyes?

8:17 I am really psyched about the Hustle & Flow Ensemble Cast nomination; if the Capote cast weren't so exceptionally smart, subtle, and well-coordinated, I'd vote Hustle no question.

8:21 ENSEMBLE CAST (TV - DRAMA) Prediction: Lost; Win: Lost, who clearly knew this was coming

8:24 SUPPORTING ACTRESS (FILM) Chris Cooper prefaces this category by citing Renée Zellweger in Cold Mountain and Judi Dench in Chocolat as past winners, thus immediately squelching any appeal this award could possibly have. I'm so glad that Amy Adams' clip includes her priceless split-second impression of a meerkat. I'm less sure about including Michelle Williams saying "Jack Nasty," and I'm extremely unsure why Williams seems to have graduated from the Zellweger Academy of frowny and awkward awards-show expressions. Prediction: Williams; Win: Weisz, happily emerging as the front-runner in this derby, and even more happily freed of that sarcophagus of makeup that encased her at the Globes.

8:27 Must awards-show directors always cut to the Desperate Housewives, even when they're just inanely sitting there? Say, with Eva Longoria sitting on Marcia Cross' lap?

8:32 Fuckin' Shatner. Now I can't even enjoy these interviews with commercial actors without being distracted by how much I've hated the two episodes I've ever seen of Boston Legal, and how appalled I was by his performances in them.

8:36 ACTRESS (TV - COMEDY) Naveen Andrews and Yurtle the Arquette look, sound, and are boring, and so too are these nominations, though I'm impressed with the one-housewife quota. I do, however, love how Huffman's clip, set in a loud barroom, makes it sound like the actual SAG crowd is cheering for her. I love that Allison Janney wants Mary-Louise Parker to win. Prediction: Huffman; Win: Huffman, whose win sure pisses off Ray Romano. Why?? And why didn't Felicity and Marcia figure out they were wearing the same color? Hey, Alfre's in lavender, too! One more question: I love love, love being in love, love other people in love, love it all—so why am I always so put off by the unique kind of bubblehead Felicity Huffman becomes whenever she talks about her husband?

8:43 ACTOR (TV - COMEDY) Prediction: Shatner (&$#%); Win: Sean Hayes???? I guess he's been enormously stretched by his last season of work on W&G. I do think he looks very nice. Love the tie. It's sad when his rhetoric backfires: "To all the actors who thought this actor had an ounce of talent, I thank you." What if they didn't mean that nicely?

8:44 ENSEMBLE CAST (TV - COMEDY) What need has the world of Ellen Pompeo? Prediction: Everybody Loves Raymond; Win: Desperate Housewives, of whom Alfre Woodard is the most gorgeous by a mile. Oh, look, there are some men in this show, too! Who is this kid talking? Is he in the cast? I know we are all presumed to know this, but help me out here.

8:47 Reese Witherspoon has special sensors implanted in the back of her head that alert her whenever a camera, even a distant one with a zoom lens, is on her face.

8:54 SAG president Alan Rosenberg pumps up a room of actors about the awesomeness of actors. But I wonder.... even Rob Schneider? Even Bridget Moynahan? Even Jessica Alba?

8:56 And so, with a whisper of what looks like sequined linen, and with a Shirley Temple doll in her hand, the era of Dakota Fanning as awards-show presenter began. But hey, she's way better at it than Robin Williams. In fact, she does much the best job of anyone we've seen tonight. May I admit, though, that whenever I see clips of old Shirley Temple movies, the only thought I can muster is how glad I am that I wasn't alive then.

9:00 CULTURAL/HISTORICAL INANITY OF THE EVENING The "friendship" between toddler Shirley Temple and Mr. Bojangles, her tap-dancing manservant, three generations older than herself, is held up as a model of racial harmony. I wonder how this played at the Hustle & Flow table. (I would wonder about the Crash table, too, but something makes me ask myself if Paul Haggis even got how strange this is.)

9:03 Jamie Lee Curtis! Always a gift. Always well done-up.

9:04 How come the scripters never reflect that underlining the "natural" and "believable" screen presence of someone like Shirley Temple is rather akin to admitting that she, um, wasn't really acting. I have no doubt that she is a fine and accomplished person in all other departments, including her massive celebrity. But Lifetime Achievement in Acting? Call Gena Rowlands. Call Donald Sutherland.

9:11 Isn't that Jim Gaffigan in the Sierra Mist ad? Perhaps SAG could include a featurette where actors who once headlined their own short-lived sitcoms are now overjoyed to be paying the bills with soda commercials?

9:12 I'll say it again: Catherine Keener looks fabulous. Even better than 40-Year-Old Virgin fabulous. Admittedly, she's not very good at this. And In Cold Blood isn't a novel. And it hurts when we overhear Hoffman saying to Keener, albeit with the best of intentions, "well-done."

9:14 SUPPORTING ACTOR (FILM) Zhang Ziyi looks fantastic, sounds uncomfortable, and experiences yet a new pronunciation of her name over the intercom. Prediction: Dillon; Win: Giamatti. Which, I'm sorry, but the hoopla behind this performance is completely ridiculous. Not bad work, but it shouldn't have any bearing in an awards race. Clooney, Dillon, and Gyllenhaal would all have been better choices, but they all at least have the consolation that they. are. total. foxes.

9:17 Samuel L. Jackson sees dead people. I know I'm going to tear up again at Anne Bancroft. I always did like Barbara Bel Geddes, too. At least half of these people, I've never heard of. Maybe two-thirds. Boy, did I love Teresa Wright, though. And Piglet! And Ruth Hussey! I can't say I loved Shelley Winters, but I'm still sad knowing she's gone.

9:22 Overheard in a commercial: "Ask yourself, is your shampoo designed specially for you?" Um, no. "Designed to give you a special, unique style each and every time?" Still no. Should it be?

9:23 Dammit, is Paul Giamatti really going to get an Oscar nomination for that role? [Still sinking in.]

9:26 The SAG Awards are now padding out their own show with flubbed takes from last year.

9:28 "Please welcome David Stritharin!" Really, it's not that hard a name.

9:29 ACTRESS (TV MOVIE OR MINISERIES) Amy Adams and Benjamin Bratt are both looking sharp in black. Prediction: Woodward; Win: Merkerson, who always gives good speech, so let's hear it! The public shout-out to her divorce lawyers is hilarious.

9:34 ACTOR (TV MOVIE OR MINISERIES) Angela Bassett, gorgeously overdoing it as always, literally stuns William H. Macy into forgetful silence with the sheer muscle of her vOWels and her KoNSoNaNTS! Prediction: Newman; Win: Newman, Hottest Man Alive Emeritus, who is 81 years and 3 days old. Happy birthday, Paul!

9:40 Heath Ledger, drunk, cocks his hand sassily on his left hip. Both men giggle and stutter through their introduction, clearly because the prose they are reading is so purple—though I must say, it might be nice to prevent TV audiences from thinking that the storyline they are narrating is the joke. Again, clearly unintentional, but I can't shake the feeling that they're reading this exactly the same way that two homophobic party boys would.

9:42 ACTRESS (FILM) Pierce Brosnan, as in all the worst student essays, begins with a reference to a dictionary definition. Prediction: Witherspoon; Win: Witherspoon, allowing me a piquant foretaste of how glum I will feel when this happens again in a month. "Sometimes I just can't shake the feeling that I'm just a little girl from Tennessee."

9:47 ACTOR (FILM) Hilary Swank, busy in front and too tanned. "Strathairn," at least, gets its due as a name. Prediction: Ledger; Win: Hoffman, seeming less and less beatable. Behind him as he stands, you can see how excellent Patricia Clarkson looks in buttery yellow. Hoffman gives a gracious speech about actor solidarity, and gets extra points for singling out Clifton Collins, Jr., even though balloting period is already over. Oh, by the way, who stinks at predicting? ME.

9:57 ENSEMBLE (FILM) Morgan Freeman, in a bold spectrum of purples. Prediction: Brokeback Mountain; Win: The Penguins. Just kidding. Crash. A total Brokeback shutout, but still a boring show. And TBS picks exactly the wrong space-hogging font for those of us trying to peer behind the credits in order to see who's hobnobbing. Whatever. I'll be taping over this pronto.

Emmy Live-Blogging: Final Hour

("Now I be breakin' bread, sippin' Manichewitz wine/ Pay no mind/ Party like it's 1999..." Title of the post, y'all, c'mon.)

10:02
Commercial break continues, but not quite long enough to throw together martini. Quentin Tarantino arrives onstage with Marg Helgenberger. QT instantly tiresome. Helgenberger's hair and makeup don't really complement her dress. Specifically, hair too boring for dress.

Category is Outstanding Made for Television Movie. Peter Sellers seems destined to win. Lackawanna Blues looks better; Warm Springs looks like death sentence. Crikes, though, Warm Springs wins! Branagh could not possibly look or seem less like FDR. Perhaps it's a Hopkins-in-Nixon thing, and he's good if you actually trust him and watch the movie?

10:05
Hosts of Survivor and The Amazing Race look like supreme doofuses. They give a hand to the two present-o-bots, who are apparently contestants on America's Next Top Model. They look like extras from your local brothel's production of Heidi.

10:07
Musical interludes hit new nadir (really, though) with William Shatner and Frederica von Stade (really, though) paired in a reprise of the Star Trek theme. Is single worst thing that has ever arrived into my eye.

10:08
Ellen has officially overplayed the originally funny joke with the telecast producer. Meanwhile, someone thinks we are actually going to call and vote on these performances? Why would anyone do that? Can't figure out why first and last performances were intended as punchlines, while middle two were played absolutely straight. "Fame" performance even more needless in retrospect.

10:09
Commercial break. Shakira. Martini!

10:12
Crap! Where is Grand Marnier???

Ad for Flightplan. Am inexplicably excited for probably-mediocre thriller.

10:13
Mariska Hargitay has extremely odd stage presence. When she isn't talking, it's like someone has turned her "off," like that scene in Star Wars on Tattooine where C3PO shuts down for a while.

Weird win for The Lost Prince: Masterpiece Theatre. Well, maybe not "weird." I'm such an asshole, I haven't seen any of these movies! Still, between this and Warm Springs, it sure looks like the stuffiest, most traditional programs are winning. Still, it's hard to hold anything against a woman who takes a moment to defend public television.

10:15
Alan Alda and someone who seems to be the president of the Emmys or something—you really do miss a lot doing this blogging thing—pay tribute to Brokaw, Rather, and Jennings. Alda, wearing a Red Cross pin, is an enormously credible presenter, but can I just suggest something? How about we drop Brokaw, drop Rather, and just focus on Jennings?—the one who's actually passed away, and more than that, the one who actually preserved integrity, discipline, humility, and seriousness through the full extent of his career? In fairness, I'm at least agnostic about Rather. At least there seemed like some passion and reality behind his moments of abandon and showboating. It's Brokaw who makes me want to claw myself. Jennings is the pick of this group by infinite degrees. Listen, I cried when that man died. Maybe I'll just put away the snark for a second and really take a minute to honor that guy.

Well, everything was going great until Brokaw (inevitably) broke the spirit of the thing by saluting the current, "next" generation of terrific TV news reportage. I'm sorry, do we have that?

10:28
Charlize has emerged as the go-to candidate for reaction shots at any single point in the broadcast. Meanwhile, a TV ad for her upcoming movie North Country has also got me marginally excited—is that Linda Emond? My pal and weekend guest Tim reports from the Toronto Film Festival that North Country is a deserving film, not just a cash-in Oscar stab.

10:30
Longish commercial break, punctuated by an Entertainment Tonight ad that sports a cubist, nearly avant-garde rumination on the concept of Mary Hart. Wait, that is Mary Hart. Speaking of Nip/Tuck...

10:30:01
Okay, that martini is made, honey. But the maraschino thing sort of eluded me, so I'm back to old favorites (read: white chocolate).

10:31
Mean-spirited Family Guy interlude that takes pot-shot at, of all people, Frankie Muniz. Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: Cross, Hatcher, Heaton (yawn), Huffman, Kaczmarek. Ooh, girl, Marcia Cross is not. smiling, honey. Teri Hatcher looks gleeful, but I'm not feeling a Teri win. I'm guessing Huffman. Winner: ...

Huffman! Yay!!! I love her. (But why does the announcer go, "This is the first Emmy win for Felicity Huffman. Miss Huffman is married to Emmy winner William H. Macy." As though this is her major accomplishment.)

You go, Felicity, thanking David Mamet and even Aaron Sorkin. Memo to all Emmy watchers: when telecast ends, go read The Cryptogram. You won't be sorry.

Wait, does Felicity Huffman also think that her major accomplishment in life is being married to William H. Macy? Not a great speech, but she, like Ellen, gets a handicap.

10:35
James Spader presents Best Lead Actress in Drama. (Get ready for Glenn or Frances.) But you can just tell that Spader, as always, is thinking, "I want to strip everyone's clothes off and make love to them like those Chevys in Crash!"

Whoo, J.Gar is really working that maternity look. She really is glowing, and the hair is great. Luv.

Winner: Patricia Arquette?? She seems like an extremely nice person. And she manages to say something heartfelt to and about the soldiers in Iraq. So I'll just leave it at that.

10:38
(That sound you hear is Debra Winger peeling Rosanna Arquette up off the floor.)

10:39
In Memoriam. Anne Bancroft, god rest her amazing soul. Barbara Bel Geddes. Ossie Davis, a real, real, no-kidding hero. Howard Keel. Brock Peters. Jerry Orbach.

10:44
Kristin Davis, crushingly un-special, in a Maybelline ad. Survivor: Guatemala, which looks like the end of civilization (but not in the way they mean it on Survivor). Cybill Shepherd in another TV movie as Martha Stewart. This one's called Martha Behind Bars: It Wasn't Such a Good Thing, guaranteed to evacuate the case history of Martha Stewart from any genuine context or content. TV is like a magazine you would never read, even in a dentist's office.

10:46
That GEICO ad again!! OK, I got it wrong last time, it's a 20-yard sailboat, not a yacht. But for real. Transcription, as intoned in very grave voice-over, right over that lily-white sailing boat: "An urgent message to the people of Connecticut. As you may know, Connecticut is the wealthiest state in the nation. But we are dangerously close to losing our ranking. Thankfully, GEICO has introduced new lower rates on car insurance in Connecticut. What's more, when you get a quote at geico.com, you will receive a $25 Internet savings discount on your new policy. We strongly urge everyone to take advantage of GEICO's new lower rates. Let's keep Connecticut wealthy." This was not a joke. It's like I live in that tower in Land of the Dead, for real. Cree. Pee.

10:47
Tony Shalhoub over Jason Bateman?? Fuhgeddaboudit. I saw Monk once, and though I love Tony Shalhoub, and his speech is funny, I just can't believe that he deserves this.

10:50
Lead Actor in a Drama Series. Sounds like a shoo-in for Hugh Laurie. But it's James Spader! Yikes, I bet people who care are really pissed. Hugh Laurie is the Imelda Staunton of Emmy '05: Brit character actor whom the world suddenly realizes is terrific, who deserves a win that many people predict, but then he loses it to a repeat winner whom I like well enough but who seems like he doesn't need a second trophy.

10:52
The young star of Everybody Hates Chris walks out to pitch Habitat for Humanity (way to go, li'l man), but he brings out an even smaller African-American kid called Charles who lisps through his front teeth, at which the entire audience laughs. So help me know this isn't a Behind the Minstrel Mask moment?

10:57
Hugh Jackman and Whoopi Goldberg. Hugh makes a stoopid joke about the Desperate Housewives cast hating each other. Ca-lunk. Whoopi: the nominees for Best Drama Series. Deadwood, Lost, Six Feet Under (my guess), 24, and The West Wing (the Spader and Warm Springs voters will go here, though....).

It's Lost. Sounds like a popular victory. I thought shows like this only won at the Globes? By which I mean, shows that many people love, and everyone can afford to watch.

10:59
Outstanding Comedy Series, squeezed in right at the 3-hour mark. Surely it's Desperate Housewives? Winner: Everybody Loves Raymond. Rather akin to when Jethro Tull won that Heavy Metal Grammy in '89. Not a bad speech from the producer guy, but the hipsters in the audience (Piven, Oh) look way bored, and Debra Messing is patenting the Big Fake Smile™. Everybody wonders about the mental health of Emmy.

G'night everybody, whether you do or don't love Raymond, hate Chris, or wish I'd just written a movie review instead.

Emmy Live-Blogging: Second Hour

9:06
Doris Roberts wins agayawwwwwwwwwwwwwwn. However—even though I'm not speaking as someone who's really seen much of their shows—fellow nominees not inspiring enough to get upset about their losing to perennial winner Roberts. Perhaps new Emmy Awards slogan could be: "No Holland Taylor Performance Left Behind!"

9:09
Letterman, introducing well-deserved Carson tribute, comes across as enormously uncomfortable with emotional sincerity. Great joke from Carson, though:

Q: "Johnny, how did you become a star?"
JC: "I started in a gaseous state and cooled." Ironically, most of Emmy audience still in gaseous state.

Still, Carson: what a choice fellow. Why do we lose great TV people like Jennings and Carson but still have to deal with Brit Hume and the Rivers women? World even more unfair than already seemed.

9:16
Ameriprise? That's the name of a corporation? Criminal Minds?? That's the name of a show? Tagline: "Arsonists! Rapists! Murderers! TV's next great thriller!" Am realizing, forgot to make martini during break.

9:18
Whole Raymond cast united for presenting gig. Measures a giant Zero on personal Nostalgia-Meter. All dressed in black, in manner of funeral, which perhaps this is. Patricia Heaton, who weirdly refused to clap for Katrina victims, is utterly indiscriminate attention hound. Wow, they're really stretching this thing out.

These Family Guy inserts are kind of funny, but not funny enough to really justify their existence.

Jon Stewart wins again, hard to begrudge him. Nice tie choice. Not convinced Letterman needed impromptu tribute. Sure bet Letterman feels old!

9:20
Next inexplicable TV theme rehash features a good-looking guy called Gary Jourdan (sp?), whom I think I spotted in an edition of People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful." Also Macy Gray, decked out like Ava Gardner in burgundy-colored satin. Moment evaporates instantly, even as happens, much like Ellen mini-gag with sparkler and unicycle, much like entire career of Patricia Arquette.

Montage of Guest Actor/Actress in Drama nominees includes Martin Landau over-emoting as usual. Creepy shot of Ray Liotta vomiting black blood. Liotta wins, Amanda Plummer too, which means that Angela Lansbury, who is 5 for 5 at the Tonys, still can't win a fucking Emmy after like 6,000,000 tries. What's with Emmys and Angela?

9:26
J.J. Abrams is very popular winner for directing pilot episode of Lost. Will camera cut to v.v.pregnant Jennifer Garner? No, but cut to Barbara Hershey, and then bleached-out Geena Davis.

Abrams thanks his "beautiful wife Katie," which instantly calls to mind Katie Holmes, aka Kate Holmes, aka Kate Cruise, aka Patty Hearst v.2005. Actually, isn't Abrams directing Mission: Impossible 3? Maybe he, too, is marrying Katie Holmes? Does Scientology allow for such things?

9:29
Teaser for upcoming category shows that Ken Branagh, Bill Macy, Jonny Rhys-Meyers, and Geoff Rush (I'm on first-name basis, dontcha know) are all competing. Perhaps it will be 4-way tie, and they can all share massive, Aristrocrats-style bulimic moment where they purge all that scenery they've been chewing? Or perhaps, as deserves, Ed Harris just wins this one on credit? (I'm a Harris fan. Except in The Hours. And even there, he's not quite as bad as I remembered him being.)

9:32
Turns out Mark Harmon is now silver-haired, and star of something called NCIS... what does that stand for? Remember when TV shows had actual names? Am sure it's about coroner, arsonist, rapist, necrophiliac, or similar. Anyway, in seemingly major coup, Lauren Holly has been added to cast. How will they top this? Tempestt Bledsoe? Tara Reid?

9:33
Connecticut-specific TV ad is absolutely repugnant shocker, ending with tag line, "Let's Keep Connecticut Wealthy." Single image in background is of massive yacht sailing blue sea. I. am. not. kidding. Will transcribe in full at next commercial break, so that you can possibly imagine what I just saw.

9:36
Geoffrey Rush wins, eats Jonathan Rhys-Meyers on way to stage.

9:36:30
Rush almost wins me over with speech closer, crediting wife as "winged woman who holds up my world molecular thingy." Re: Emmy statuette. OK, maybe had to be there.

9:39
Patrick Dempsey isn't hard to look at, is he? Gives award to Stephen Hopkins, auteur of Blown Away, winning the great derby of B-list directors over Joseph Sargent and Fred Schepisi and the admittedly, unironically great theater director George C. Wolfe. Meanwhile, Ellen Pompeo seems to be wearing dress made out of reassembled medical scrubs, in manner of disastrous prom dress in Pretty in Pink.

9:41
In which it becomes clear that The Life and Death of Peter Sellers keeps winning awards so that cameraman can keep cutting to Charlize Theron. Oh, but third time isn't the charm; Charlize suddenly looks bored. (Hey, why wasn't Emily Watson nominated?) Peter Sellers writers bombing out with speech full of one-liners. Oop, cut back to Charlize: she looks happy again. Good sport, that one.

9:44
Icy shard of fear spikes into heart as Elizabethtown ad is slathered across TV. Feel obligated to see it, but expect the worst. (Last-ditch hope was Dunst, but Venice and Toronto reports actually singled out for especial criticism. Considering low opinion of overall movie, Dunst must indeed be bad.)

9:45
A thought about pharmaceutical commercials: why do they sell pills, when the ads are 50% full of reasons not to take said pills, descriptions of possible side-effects, list of circumstances under which self must not take pills, and general, panicked self-exoneration from near certain death caused by taking pills? I mean, why not also sell matches on TV with repeated warnings not to play with matches or, indeed, use matches?

9:48
Lead Actress in TV Movie: Halle Berry (looks v.dire as Janey Crawford), Blythe Danner (my wife!), S. Epatha Merkerson (still getting her Piano Lesson on, all these years later), Cynthia Nixon (looks, sounds like Easter Bunny), and Debra Winger (not here, is probably calming Rosanna Arquette through major anxiety attack).

S. Epatha!! Big surprise, clearly delighted. Amazing speech opener, as she gropes her own bosom: "Oh my God, I actually wrote something, and I put it in my thing, and it fell down there, and I can't find it!" She isn't kidding. She keeps trying to feel the speech beneath her dress, somewhere around her breasts and stomach. Funniest speech of night, by long shot.

Jon Stewart attempts improv follow-up joke, which leaves wrong aftertaste.

9:50
Okay, listen, I'm only going to say it once: Jon Stewart is a little overrated. Was worried this would happen: Stewart's social consciousness has turned into a kind of schtick, which gets easy applause.

9:55
Montage of nominees for Comedy Series Writing reveals Raymond to be dog of category, though it took 11 people to do the work of 2.

Fantastic line from Arrested Development writers: "We would be remiss if we didn't mention that the Academy has now rewarded us twice for something that you people won't watch!"

9:58
Phenomenal, confident Kate Winslet ad for American Express.

Is it such a great idea to invite comparison between TV stars and Kate Winslet? Is there anyone alive who doesn't wish to be Kate Winslet?

Okay, second hour basically over. Best Dressed: Same people as before.

Emmy Live-Blogging: First Hour

7:40pm
Have never live-blogged awards show before. Always thought would be enormous distraction. Especially re: only care about one awards show (duh). Am therefore experimenting with Emmys, which I don't really care about, to see how feels, etc. Have not seen Emmys in at least 10 years - am marginally curious about shindig, am wondering if movie stars will be present. Love Ellen, love to love Ellen. Hope someone has integrity enough to slam Pat Robertson on her behalf. OK, maybe is not right occasion. But Robertson is national cloven-hoofed nightmare, let me just say.

(N.B. Okay, I just read that Robertson-vs.-Ellen was an internet hoax. My bad. But it's still not hard to believe he said it, is it??)

Speaking of nightmares, Melissa Rivers just managed typical degradation of classy actor: MR asks Jeremy Piven to pick question from bleacher-fan out of hat. Question says, "Would you sleep with a stranger for $100,000?" Why do we like actors enough to watch TV and to watch awards shows, but yet hate them enough to subject them to insane and asinine questions?

Joan Rivers is talking to Hugh Laurie. Has no idea what he's nommed for. Jesus.

8:10
Opening number = horrid, horrid excrescence. Even Allan Carr rolls in grave. Black Eyed Peas = hopelessly bizarre band. Band members are not discernibly "in" band. More like people who always happen to be around when/where "band" is performing. Is Fergie under gag order, or similar? Please don't make her dance. Oh. Sweetie...

8:17
Ellen is off. Perhaps has had difficult, emotional, distracted week responding in deeply personal way to massive, calamitous tragedy in hometown. (ed.)

Good joke about North Korean People's Choice Awards and another good one about how losing "doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you're a bad actor." Bad batting average for opening monologue, but is okay. In vast Golf Game of Awards Show Hosting, Ellen gets major handicap, because we love her. (Look at Portia sitting with E's mother!)

8:19
Great closer line from Ellen: "Winning an Emmy is not important. I think we all know what's important in life—winning an Oscar. Those are for movies. Man, I'd love to host that show." Indeed, Ellen.

8:22
Why Brad Garrett? Have only seen Raymond 3x or 4x, but Garrett seems really boring, esp. re: Jeremy Piven. Even in short telecast clip, Piven is hilarious.

Funny moment with Sean Hayes pretending to be asleep, drooling, while winner is announced. Do Emmys go for that Golden Globes silly/drunk vibe? Hope so. Will majorly leaven experience of watching awards show where stuff like Judging Amy is contender.

8:29
William Shatner = snore. Am more focused on losers: Alan Alda is funny tearing up speech, and self is apparently Last To Know that Naveen Andrews dates Barbara Hershey. V.v.g.

8:32
Am sort of surprised by Hugh Jackman, and also by Hugh Jackman's Wolverine beard. (Earlier: suppressed minor acid reflux upon hearing that Halle Berry is, indeed, back in X3 - whyyyyy...........) Jackman always thanks wife first. Is nice. But still surprised Jon Stewart lost.

8:40
Blue Man Group, then Zach Braff? Cue again: whyyyyy...........

8:41
Supporting Actress in Drama = Women I love, and also Tyne Daly. Means Daly will probably win, but want Danner.

YAY! Danner! Most beautiful woman in Hollywood? So possible.

8:41:30
GAHHHHH!!!! Stockard Channing looks like experimental leather-stretching process.

8:42
May have to abandon live-blogging, as well as abandon entire life, to make personal Haj of seducing and marrying Blythe Danner. Surely Derek, Sean will understand. Lovely, lovely, lovely speech. Classiest and most beautiful woman in Hollywood? Is amazing.

8:43
TV ad for In Her Shoes, one of my most-anticipated movies of the fall. Toni Collette + Curtis Hanson + Shirley Maclaine underplaying for first time in life (well, in this life, har har).

8:44
GAH! Here's why hate TV: repellent ad where we listen in on emergency 911 call from heart attack victim is bad enough, but when followed by Ashley Judd hawking make-up product and CSI: Miami peddling lurid rape-murder premise, is even yuckier. Sorry, all, am anti-TV snob. Shows cannot possibly be good enough to put up with ads.

8:46
Ellen is always funnier in short filler segments than in monologue. Bit with Emmy time-keeper is classic.

8:47
I hope everyone is keeping straight: Derek is husband, Sean Penn is Movie Star Husband, Blythe Danner is New Wife, and Paul Newman is Movie Star Husband Emeritus. "Paul Newman could not be here tonight" is obvious euphemism for "Paul Newman never comes to sockhops like this." Btw: I bought (from eBay) same b&w snapshot of Paul Newman that is his classic "couldn't be here" insignia on awards shows.

8:50
Jane Alexander is classy, terrific actress giving classy acceptance speech. But must also say: Kathy Bates is consistently among the best-dressed attendees of all awards shows. She is always so, so lovely, and she never gets any credit for it. Again, she's looking fab, and in a new color! Powder blue.

8:51
Why are they doing these faux TV theme recitals? Even with marginally clever, satiric Neil Patrick Harris intro? Some girl who plays someone called "Veronica Mars" is trying to sound like Beyoncé, but in cruel hoax, sounds more like self when self sings Beyoncé songs in shower. TV show hilariously cuts away to slack-faced dowagers clapping. Approval from this set could feasibly be more dispiriting than no applause at all.

8:53
Expected winners as Best Guest Actors in Comedy series, Bobby Cannavale and Kathryn Joosten, actually stuck presenting Best Director of Variety, Music, or Comedy Show —an award you would only include in overlong telecast if you were, say, the director of a Variety, Music, or Comedy Show. Winner is director of Olympics Opening Ceremony or similar, with improbable name of Bucky Gunts.

And now Outstanding Writing of Variety, Music, or Comedy show? Wha.... oh, wait, is worth hilarious collages of writing teams, especially Ali G team. Is so dirty and hilarious. Why is this okay, but Janet's nipple is crisis? ........ Okay, only Ali G and Conan segments were worth it. But clips from Daily Show with Jon Stewart are so hysterical that it's nice to see him winning.

8:59
So far, Emmys are snooze, but liveblogging fun. More fun with maraschino-flavored martini. Back for next hour.

Best Dressed So Far: Marcia Cross, Eva Longoria, and Blythe Danner, with excellent hair and makeup from all three.